overcluttered mindspills

TUBTHUMPING

Fri, 11 May 2012 03:16:16 -0700

Because

1) Old school is the way to go

2) I need it
3) It was one of the most enjoyable Apache cheers to cheer with the tribe

A week till the end of exams.

A month till home.
PRESSING ON YO.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Siren sighs echo

Wed, 09 May 2012 12:47:16 -0700

Wasted Daylight by Stars Listen on Posterous

Three in the afternoon
We still haven't moved
Siren sighs echo
A pulse through our window

I don't mind, I don't mind
This wasted, shaded daylight

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Even if just by an inch

Tue, 08 May 2012 18:45:33 -0700

Let's go.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Step 4

Sat, 05 May 2012 15:50:00 -0700

Creep (Radiohead Cover) by Carrie Manolakos Listen on Posterous

All that roasted maple sunshine is muted for a while.
My body is breaking down. Malaise has escalated to nausea, taking over my days and nights.
Somewhat ridiculously so too because I haven't actually been pushing myself as much as I should be.

A detox is probably in order. Everyone is convinced it is the caffeine.

I am convinced God is trying to tell me that I am spending too much time leisurely and decided to take away these hours so I could snap back into productivity for whatever remaining hours I have that I am not overcome by nausea.

I know, of course, that just seems all very far-fetched.

It is also starting to feel slightly surreal that I am going home soon.

Novelty seeps ever so gently into normalcy.

And sweeps you into odd oscillations.

Transforms the familiar and age the new.

But novelty is good.

Novelty is gold.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Eat that up, it's good for you

Wed, 02 May 2012 16:32:05 -0700

Eat That Up, It's Good For You by Two Door Cinema Club Listen on Posterous

Just listen to it.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Machineeee

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:32:00 -0700

Beware: Nerdgasm ahead

The atmosphere around London is now more intense than ever with all the kanchiong students being more kanchiong than they've ever been.

I have been feeling a bit like a machine going through the seemingly Sisyphean toil of covering information. It is only half as intense as it sounds - I just am not getting very far with it.

A few things I must say:

1. It is mad. I have actually learnt so darn much this year. My brain probably exploded a million times too. Yet through the revision, and being able to think in such different ways about things - particularly neuroscience - is all very gratifying. It has occurred to me several times over the year how glad I am to not have instead taken the option of going straight to 2nd Year Biomed. It is hard to imagine missing out on all these mindblowing, mind-opening (equally so, really), things. Of course, I also mean that in the most positive way. This academic year has indeed been a fulfilling and fruitful one (:

2. I am in love with embryology, developmental neurobiology and motor control. Yet another geeky moment here. Nerdgasm. Both such remarkably elegant black boxes we have got in our hands. Maybe it is a matter of expectation.

I had an awful impression of developmental biology with the tragic experience of my initial FYP topic (which we thankfully moved on from), and then of course during our induction week Dr Cook gave us the epic embryology lecture as an arbitrary topic to see how good we were at note-taking. And when I say epic, I meant he spoke at some 100 words per minute or something. He gave us a 20 minute lecture on embryogenesis. That took ANAT1003 2 full hour lectures to cover. It was epic. But of course some weeks ago while I was talking to Dr Cook, he gave this cheeky chuckle and said that he meant it to freak us out. REALLY NOW. Anyway. So after all of that epicness I was certain embryology was going to tear my soul apart. And then motor control always blew my mind because of the sheer intricacy of the considerations that have to be made, plus hearing about it from Sam and having to answer the neuroscience interview question kinda exploded my brain.

I guess they all blew my mind because I never quite had a framework with which to build foundation in them before diving into all the jargon. Yet my first year here radically changed it all, and made me fall in love. I am thankful for that. I have always believed that being able to catch me in awe of nature, in spite of all that stress and technicalities that came together - that is a rare gem to treasure.

[/End Nerdgasm]

3. I have also been very highly caffeinated. I am really quite the machine. And caffeine is my fuel.

4. A random thought about breakfasts and brunches. I love them. I love the intimacy of brunches out. I love their power to illuminate the day. I love the time of day, reserved, and spent over conversation(:

A few more weeks of this kanchiongness (the intense angmohs do not help) and then SUMMMMMMAHHHH HERE I COME.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Where have you gone

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 16:37:00 -0700

Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon

If I said I want you back,

would you meet me with the same eyes;

Run my way, I'll get you started,

I'll catch you, I know you're falling;

Oh ey, since we parted,

we can't stay broken-hearted

Carousel. Some beautiful lyrics there.

Something's shifting. Something's illuminating. Something in anticipation.

Summer 2012, come on.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Stage 3 - Bargaining, only much more trivial

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 15:41:29 -0700

Don't Wanna Cry by Pete Yorn Listen on Posterous

Not actually getting anywhere with this.

Chin up, soldier.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Can I take you, take you higher?

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 17:58:00 -0700

ONE. Amsterdam was (Y), complete with great company. The city did not feel all that foreign. Perhaps it was the company, perhaps it was the fact that everyone spoke such fluent English. Perhaps having visited enough West European cities, the running of city life seems all quite that uniform and perhaps city life there is so modern that it felt like London, or Singapore. The architecture seems no longer novel; the language hardly so as well. Something stood out though - the interior. The openness of the office and living spaces. The clear windows spanning wide and large. The sheer extent of interior available for your appreciation as you walk outside along the streets. All laid out. And everyone inside, enveloped in such a different form of privacy, so comfortable with that openness. You see the kind of paintings they like. You see their messy workspaces. You see their obsessive need to organize their folders. You see their coats hanging and imagine their fashion style. You see them eating at the dining table with their kitchens and all that flavor punch.

And I really liked that. For years now I have been picturing my dream home to have more windows than walls - something like this, or this, or this. People have told me that those who like homes with such windows open themselves up very easily to others, and I would struggle to stifle a scoff. Clearly not quite the case for me at all, but I love such a living space just because... and I also have something for sunlight - it has been a running joke amongst my friends about how I ought to just be a plant. Anyway. It being an image of a home, I have always pictured how it would be like from the inside, but never considered the opposite - from the outside - until Amsterdam. And hey, I still quite like it.

TWO. I have spent the past few weeks struggling with the urge to join the MSci programme so I can spend another year doing Neuroscience in UCL. This came about when we were given the module options talk and I realised how much I want to learn about so many things. Having only 4.0 units per year to accommodate just 6 - 7 modules is hardly enough. Spoilt for choice, and all I want is to extend my time here so I can learn more. Having an MSci serves little practical purpose for my career though, other than to have an extra year to satisfy my desire to explore more fields of neuroscience. And that said, I may not actually be able to extend my programme under my contract and even so, perhaps more importantly, may preclude graduate studies in the States. Now I am just trying hard to will away this urge ):

THREE. "When she was twenty-one, my mother fell in love with my father's brain. She read one of his papers, on the possibility of travelling faster than the speed of light, and in the process, travelling back in time... Maybe she thought that if she married him, he could bring her down the avenues of the past and future in time to come.

Instead, she found herself with a man caught in his own time warp. Who continued to pursue the theory of relativity long after it went out of fashion. When she finally realised that despite sharing a house and a bed, they were living in completely separate time zones, she boarded a train of her own and left." - Everything But The Brain, Jean Tay.

I don't think I would ever want to find myself falling in love with someone's brain. History has made clear how prone I may be to doing so - ambition and unique perspectives have the potential to draw anyone - but also how disastrous a fashion it could unfold. Fall in love with someone's heart instead.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

The occasional cryptic

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 16:14:00 -0700

1. Living but hand-me-down adventures

2. Is silence going extinct?

3. Drift, sink, drift, drift, sink, drift.

4. The right person the wrong time is still the wrong person.

5. The intimacy of breakfasts out. Relive this day after day.

6. Taupe, mink then teal in explosion.

7. You cannot really envelope resilience.

8. Let's speak in codes no more.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Anti-climax over tea

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 18:43:00 -0700

1. Last of my essays just ended and truth be told, it was quite anti-climatic. I secretly expected some movie moment to punctuate this event. Maybe the triumphant (and would-be stupid) shredding of all the papers, thrown into the air like confetti. And cue some dramatic soundtrack to mark the occasion. But alas, it was anti-climatic. I sent it to Prof Glickstein via email at some 2am or so, went to watch dramas and read 1Q84. Yes, in spite of that unearthly timing. It seemed like I was just driven by the urge to do things I never could do in view of the literally endless stream of essays.

Even more anti-climatic was that the next day, I slept in, and went straight after for the tutorial session with Prof Glickstein where the first thing he said when he saw me was "Okay now, the first thing is - will you like some tea?". I was in a fluster, getting lost finding that building. Then he offered us chocolates and teacakes. And then passed us our essays by-the-way. So just about 10 hours after I submitted the last of my essays, I got back my essay with my grade. No dramatic suspense there. And also very anti-climatic, as I like to say.

And just within the past week or so, we got back half of all the essays we had done and I realise how odd my expectations had been. I never expect the worse, no - but I do expect the average. Then end up being pleasantly surprised each time. It isn't all that bad a thing really to be able to manage expectations this way; but it did somewhat compel me to examine why in the world I expected so little in return for the effort I invested. No, not self-doubt - terribly misleading word. Perhaps more uncertainty about what is expected. It isn't downplaying my efforts. It seems so odd to write about a series of assignments here in this personal space but it is precisely because I did take great pride in my work. Why then did I expect so little?

2. Reminder to self to replace my LC-A batteries.

3. The Performing Brain with Alessandro, Liam & Kelv was (Y). A couple of things about that session impressed upon me. Amongst them is that I...... really should learn an instrument.

4. Mind a little cluttered. Isn't this what this space is for. Ah yes.

5. Loving climbing more and more and I am actually feeling the progress (: Actually excited to bring those new to the Castle there on Tuesday to spread the love. Also, given my tendency to think a lot, I have also some thoughts about how amazing climbing is as both an individual sport and a social one - which really reinforces my love for it. Story for another day!

Permalink | Leave a comment »

The occasional resurfacing of...

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:05:00 -0800

INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. Because of their vulnerability through a strong facility to introject, INFJs can be hurt rather easily by others, which, perhaps, is at least one reason they tend to be private people. People who have known an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consistent and value integrity. But they have convoluted, complex personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Missing Sar, Shan and Sam (Some coincidence that is, that you girls all have names starting with S).

This might sound laughably new age-y, but I miss - I need - the positive energy from you girls. And the way our friendships are rejuvenating as much as the necessary alone times. No, really. HUR. This current chronic exposure to negative vibes is so unhealthy.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Tremble

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 09:49:31 -0800

Better than Ezra. A track from 1990. Amazing stuff.

Busiest essay-less weekend yet.

Still.

Still scouring to get busier, to meet people to break away from this stale robotic crowd. I have met more passionate and extraordinary people in a month through poly life than I have had here so far, it is actually quite ridiculous and unhealthy. Need to change this.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Lead, Serve, Shine

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 10:10:29 -0800

In a week it is going to be Retreat '12. Wow.

Thanks Iqbal for sending these to me :')

See the full gallery on Posterous

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Sleep paralysis, episode 2

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:08:42 -0800

I had another episode of sleep paralysis last night. Didn't actually think it'd happen again after the first a few years ago. So I woke up with my blackberry in my hands and that struck me as incredibly odd, but it didn't bother me that much then. Then for some reason I lost my grip and my blackberry, connected to the charger slipped off my hands as if snatched away and fell to the ground. But I was in such a strange state that I didn't care to pick my blackberry up; I figured I'd just do it when I woke up.

Then I felt a presence at the foot of my bed. Then my blanket got tugged off. It was only then that I realised I was paralyzed. I tried to move my left hand so that I could pick my blanket up from the floor, but found myself immobile. So what seemed only natural was to move my right hand instead, but could move only my fingers and nothing else. Yet for some odd reason the grasping of my fingers managed to get my blanket back up with a feeling as if it got tugged back step-wise with my hand movement. Really though, it seemed the blanket came back up with no effort of my own.

After a while I realised I was properly tucked in bed but couldn't go back to sleep because there flashes of white were pulsing across every time I closed my eyes. When it finally came to a calm, I decided I probably should try to pick my blackberry up from the ground. To my relief, I found I could actually move, but my blackberry was not on the ground - it was on my table. Right. It was all a hallucination.

Suffice to say, I had terrible sleep. But to be fair, I did go to bed at 5.30am. It was a lapse of judgement on my part, deciding it was actually a good idea to nap from 12.30am - 2.30am and wake up to try to get some work done, fuelled by caffeine. Not such a good idea after all, although I did manage to do a bit of reading.

Ah well.

The last time this happened was years ago, and it was a lot scarier. I woke up more paralyzed than I had felt last night, and found myself seemingly locked in my body unable to move. I could tilt my head and when I did I saw a girl sitting and crying outside my room. And also felt as if something dark and heavy was looming over me trying to suffocate me. I also amaze myself how calm I was after the incident to still be able to research about the episode and find accounts and explanations for sleep paralysis.

I must've been pretty damn fatigued.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:49:00 -0800

This, about INFJ learning styles, is remarkably accurate. So are (many but not all of) the thoughts of this anonymous INFJ.

I should sleep. I slip into unnecessarily and inconveniently pensive moods after being awake for too long.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Disappear

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 13:12:00 -0800

12 Disappear.m4a Listen on Posterous

I'm not here, I'm not here, I disappear, I'm not here, I'm not here.

So in love with The Sound of Arrows, I need moarrrrr.

I am posting an entry only because my histology slides on the digital slidebox are going batshit crazy hanging on me.

On that note, I realised that 14 February (yes, the day I fell in love with my macbook and committed to spend my life with it) was the last day of my macbook Apple Care since I got it 3 years ago on that one fateful Valentine's Day. Now that Apple's Care has since expired, it better not die on me in tragic ways. Don't think my heart can handle it.

Aites. GOODNIGHT. Yeah, it is 9pm. But yeah. No, this is not the radical life-changing reshuffle of my life I had been harping on the past 2 months (and forever), I just need some sleep. Also, I am finally realizing what terrible damage I am doing to my body with my caffeine dependence. Better late than never, but what do I do now?! I NEED MY CAFFEINE SO BAD.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

When you believe

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:30:25 -0800

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says love is very near, oh [Oh]
There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe

Dying from nostalgia )':

This reading week is also very crazy. That intention to rest, reconsolidate and refresh is going to have to suffer another postponement.

So it looks like I am back to the same old cycle of overscheduling and wind up finding how many things are clashing. Old habits die hard.

Nonetheless. I had such a good time when Sam came over <3 Meaningful conversations and then doused with all that frivolity. I love you Sam.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Recuperate

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 15:27:17 -0800

09 Nova.m4a Listen on Posterous

Mom always tells me 休息是为了走更长的路.

That is, rest takes you for a longer journey. And as always, much more elegant a saying in Chinese than when translated (or perhaps I just suck at effective translation).

It has been a pretty disorienting past few weeks. So in spite of all the deadlines to meet and the tests upcoming, I think I am going to give myself a decent break this reading week. And reshuffle my life a bit. I am not satisfied with this. My intentions to consolidate myself backfired on me when the term started and deadlines loomed over too quickly after the winter travels. Always happens. But it will work out soon after.

Permalink | Leave a comment »

Into the skies

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:04:00 -0800

1. How wonderful it'd be to learn at the rate of an infant. Perpetual curiosity, uninhibited. Into a dimension where there are no wrong answers - only answers to different questions.

2. Unsettled, unfulfilled. Still seeking shift.

3. No more paralyzing 3am melancholia (oughta know the effects of sleep deprivation as a neuroscientist)

4. Rather torn about whether I can make time to climb tomorrow

5. Craving for White Wine Mussels & Chocolate with sea salt

6. Falling in love with post-production again

7. Sushi with Neuros tomorrow.

Permalink | Leave a comment »